Recently I’ve been so confused and I’m not sure what to do anymore. I don’t know if I want to go to retreat or church for that matter. What’s the point? It’s not like I’ve been getting anything out of it.
I feel like I only go to keep up my image. I’ve grown up in the church and now I’m a leader so I’m obligated to go, right? And what will the parents say when “Dominic and Renae’s daughter” stops going to church?
For the past 3 years I’ve hated going to church. Even though I’ve grown up there and it used to be my second home, I don’t feel comfortable there. I feel like I’m constantly being judged and I feel so alone. When I go to youth group I only talk to the older leaders because or the guys because I feel like an outcast… Why go somewhere where I feel so unwelcomed? What type of “family” is this? I hate the way things are now and I feel so alone. I feel like all of my friends are so far away now and that I have nobody left, but I guess that’s just how things were meant to be.
I feel like there’s no point in going to church. Not only do I feel like an outcast, I feel like I’m not learning any more than I would if I were to read the bible on my own. It’s not that I hate God or don’t believe anymore, it’s that I hate the environment.
So I guess all I have to decide now is whether or not I want to go to retreat. I want to because I want to start to learn more but I don’t want to because I feel like I won’t get anything out of it except for more discomfort…